The Late-Adopter Lately Adopts

Reader, this week I became the ambivalent owner of an iPhone.

I confess, I brought it on myself by leaving my cell phone charger at my parents' house at Christmastime.  By the time I realized I had left it, my phone was out of juice and it would be some days before the charger arrived in the mail.  During this time, Husband took to walking around the house muttering things like, "mumble-mumble-more reliable-mumble-mumble" and "mumble-mumble-phone that actually works-mumble-mumble" and "mumble-mumble-costs less anyway-mumble-mumble."

It's true that my old phone wasn't very reliable.  I would get a call and the phone would never ring.  A week later, I'd hear that little ding-dong that meant I had a new voicemail.  It would be the message left a week earlier.  Sometimes it was even from the school nurse -- a problem at any rate, but a bigger problem when there are offspring with peanut allergies and asthma (luckily, the missed calls from the school nurse were non-emergencies).

There are certain areas of life that Husband is in charge of: snow removal, breakfast, life insurance, folding the sheets, packing the car for trips, scrubbing the floors, and technology (amongst others).  I have my own areas.  It works for us.  I decided to stay out of the phone business and let him mumble-mumble, unsure of what to hope for.  My charger arrived in the mail.  I charged my phone.  It missed a few calls again.  Monday night Husband came home with an iPhone.

The Bean said, "How do you feel about it, Mom?"
The Mom said, "I'm not sure yet."
The Bean said, "Just promise me one thing."
The Mom waited for him to ask if she would please please please download the Angry Birds app.
The Bean said, "Promise me you won't be on it all the time."

I promised.

The iPhone (which I'm thinking of naming Rhoda) and I have been looking at each other sideways all week.  I have managed to take two calls and send three text messages.  Other than that, we've been giving each other wide berth.  I feel that we're on a first date, kind of sizing each other up.  There are a few sparks.  This might turn into something.  But I'm not jumping in too fast.

Meanwhile I have been doing a little research about Apps, Googling things like "best iPhone Apps for writers" and "best iPhone Apps for readers."  And I've been thinking, Apple is really losing out on a whole area of business. I'm calling it the iMom Suite of Apps, and here's what I'm suggesting:

iLoop  This app would come with pre-recorded versions of the things that moms are constantly saying.  Things like flush and wash, hang up your coat, chew with your mouth closed, elbows down, stand up straight, I would like to hear you say 'please', use a tissue, finish your homework, etc.  These sayings, plus your selection of customized sayings, would play on loop throughout the day so that you do not have to spend your time or energy saying them.  A special algorithm would allow the app to customize the sequence of the sayings depending upon the frequency of certain behaviors.  Moms, no more feeling like a broken record!

iClinic  This app would take temperatures, scan rashes and immediately classify them as viral/bacterial/contagious/run-of-the-mill dermatitis/this is due to your  new fabric softener/etc., perform throat cultures, scan cuts and determine whether stitches are needed, scan ears and say whether or not they're infected, and take x-rays to identify broken bones.  No need to call the Peds triage line!

iWash  This app would eject a damp, warm, hypo-allergenic, disposable wipe from the phone on those occasions when you find yourself out in public with your children and they suddenly appear to not have had their faces washed in weeks.

iSew  This app can patch hole-y knees, hem pants, and re-attach buttons.  You can buy its sister app, iPress, for the times when you don't realize until you're already at church that the boys' shirts haven't been ironed.  Just turn on iPress, wait 'til the phone beeps, and run it over the wrinkled surface.  Guaranteed not to burn or scorch, unless they're being naughty, which automatically increases the temperature so as to deliver a message to the offender.

iForgot  This app remembers all the things you've forgotten.  I'm not talking about things you already entered on your to-do list and then forgot about, I'm talking about the things you've completely forgotten.  It will scan your sieve of a brain and find even what's not there.  It will even remind you of your children's names on those inexplicable occasions when you forget those, too.

iMoisturize  We've all been there: after a long, exhausting day, the children are finally in bed and you are, too.  Then it hits you:  You forgot to moisturize.  No problem!  iMoisturize equips your phone with discreet, light-weight tanks of a high-quality moisturizer suitable for year-round use.  Just grab your phone off your night stand, where it's already sitting waiting to wake you up at 5:30 a.m. to pack lunches, and squeeze gently, then moisturize away.

iDetector  For the times when your mother's intuition fails you, or when everyone is vociferously laying blame at the feet of everyone else, just wave your phone over the involved parties.  A full-of-baloney alarm will sound when the liar/liars is/are in range.  Customizable alarms for each child.  Also works to detect feigned illnesses such has sudden headaches before violin practice, and stomachaches on goulash night.

i'MBusy  This app creates a forcefield around you, sending out vibes that prevent anyone from approaching you and asking you for anything.  Covers the spectrum of possible requests from people at school looking for volunteers to children wanting their third snack of the morning.

And finally, what mother wouldn't want:

iHaveNoIdeaWhatTheHellI'mGoingToFeedThesePeopleForDinner  It's 5:45 p.m. on a Tuesday night.  You have 75 cents to your name until someone gets paid on Thursday, one egg, half a jar of olives, a can of stewed tomatoes and one partially moldy potato.  Just enter what you have on hand into this app, and it will spit out a recipe guaranteed to fill bellies and delight everyone, even the dog.

Well, a mom can dream, can't she?  In the meantime wish me luck getting to know the iPhone, and if you have any real-life apps that you think a reader/writer/mother/spiritual pilgrim might love, let me know.

Now excuse me, I have to go check out some weird noise in the kitchen........ oh, wait...... I think that might be my phone.........


sarah said...

this? hilarious. thanks for the laugh!

good luck with the new phone!

Molly said...

Sarah, glad you enjoyed it. I confess, I had a lot of fun dreaming up the iMom apps. Thanks for reading.

Ms. WK said...

Nice. This made my day. First of all, look at you, all techie!!! (I know you're cringing!). I am celebrating your entry into the smart phone world that I fear would be a black hole for me and my fam...
Love the I-apps. Going to make my creative writing kids create their own.

Molly said...

Ms. W-K, you know it was Husband's doing. But I'm trying to embrace the Smart-ness.